'Testing Things' to Hide from Myself - Day 346

Please reference these blogs for more perspective on this point:

"Mind Give Me Joy" - Day 344

Seeing life as Boring - Day 345

This point is on the desire to actually continue the addiction I had been walking to the high from drugs through an idea I created and statement I made to myself that 'I am testing myself on the drug to see how I am and if I am able to not be moved', even after I had stopped this point and been walking process for some time. But really I was deceptively hiding the fact that I still did not want to stop the addiction, and so hid behind the excuse of I am testing myself when that is really not relevant of the process I am walking to become life equal and one here in the physical because as I realized it's not about who I am on drugs, but who I am breath by breath, so testing myself is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with the physical, but everything to do with the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of testing myself within doing a drug to veil the fact that I desire to actually still do the drug and continue to be in this addiction as it gives me instant gratification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within desires, wants, and needs, within a belief in my mind that i am not happy unless i have something to do or exist from outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize that i see, realize, and need nothing outside myself to be here and exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that through testing a drug I am becoming more transcended within it, when really what i am doing is existing within self compromise as i am really just prolonging the point of simply stopping participation in it through stopping the addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by self interest in the desire to get something from what i am doing instead of standing here within an equal support of give and receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live from the desire and belief that i can have instant satisfaction through drugs and live into this desire by hiding and excusing my behavior through justifications that i am walking self honestly when in reality I am just feeding my desire to have life be instant and satisfying through giving into energy possession as addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to have any consequence for just allowing this point to continue overtime, when i realize that my physical is being effected through a pain within the knee as continuing to exist in self interest as ego - knee=ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the effects that my actions as living only in consideration of energy through the mind as desires instead of considering the reality of life, my physical, my self honesty, and my self trust within who i am and being able to stand by that to be trustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words 'testing myself' as an excuse to do drugs and get high feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I can do it one more time and it's fine, when i continue to use this excuse and not be able to be trusted within it as my actions are showing that I am addicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live my words and thus diminish my effectiveness in the physical to be able to truly trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have not yet stood by my word to stop my desire/needs for drugs through standing within each and every movement to do it and not give into the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself lie to myself in saying it's ok one more time, I am just testing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the process of becoming life to get high and hide behind the dishonesty of my actions as it's really due to self interest.

When and as I see myself going into the excuse of I am testing myself or I can do this one more time, I stop and breath, and I realize that this is not honest, I am using this excuse to get a fulfillment as I am in desire and need as energy within the mind through thoughts as debates to do it or not. I realize if I am being moved within the mind as energy and within my physical, I am not standing and thus I can not trust my words nor actions.

I commit myself to stop these thoughts of 'I am testing myself' in a self compromising action. 

I commit myself to stop these thoughts of 'I am only doing it this one time' through not participating in them and letting them go.

I commit to write out the points that come up that I see I still have any energy movements within them and clear them.

I commit myself to breath and push my living breath by breath in living my words, being effective, and pushing myself beyond my boundaries until I am here and standing through my own self direction in self honesty absolutely. 

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Day 50- 'I Don't want to Change'

'I dont' want to change'

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to live the thought out of 'i don't want to change' due to accepting my desire that its too much and I can't do it direct me to not walk the change because I believe that I am not capable enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to accept and allow the thought that I cant change because I am not capable enough realizing and seeing this is due to the point of not wanting to face myself and standing up and pushing through all resistances I face as I see and realize all it take within me is a decision and live it out breath by breath.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not desire to face myself and walk through the resistances as I want to relax and not have to walk the walk that it will take to in fact walk the change that is required to be walked within and as this process of equalizing self as the mind to the physical as it will be a long walk.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow desires as resistances to 'have a nice time' and its so long direct me into self sabotage where I will compromise my process for a feeling and an experience to feel good when what I realize and understand within who I am here is that I must change to equalize self with the physical to stop the separation of myself in this world and the enslavement of ourselves within as as this physical existence to the mind consciousness system, which is not a feeling nor an experience to strive for or gett a feeling from, but a living, here, in breath as I walk, no experience a being.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to indulge in the point of overwhelmingness direct me into self sabotage where i resist change because its a long process when I realize this process is walked step by step and thus in time will accumulate to what it will be as time, but what I work with is here in breath moment by moment and thus it is manageable and actually simple in terms of the walking of it, it require to slow down which is cool anyway to walk as breath.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to always chase experiences as good feelings instead of facing who I am and walking what needs to be walked to change what is here as this world as I realize the only way to get this done is if I in fact change myself for real through actually doing it and  living the correction as myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abdicate myself to the mind as nice feelings as experiences instead of facing what I have created, taking responsibility, and changing to walk the correction to create a better world for all which will be better for me too.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to indulge in self interest for my own happiness and comfort while many others suffer due to the lack that this greed balances out as and thus create suffering in this world due to my desire for more.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not change because I want to get my happiness through energy as feelings which is easy.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire the easy way out, the quick fix, but realizing that the quick fix is just that quick and doesn't consider all that is here thus will always fail.

When and as this point to want to indulge in the thought to not want to change, and get a quick fix by getting easy energy through experiences as the mind, I stop, breath, and re-align with my physical as I realize I am life and life is worth it to walk in breath in patiences and get this done for real once and for all. So I breath to stabilize myself and say 'I am one and equal with life' and push through all resistance.

I commit to re-align with breath and stop indulging in the mind as thoughts, feelings, experiences.

I commit to walk the change that is necessary and walk my process to self correction.

I commit to walk one and equal with all those who are willing to create a world that is best for all and do my part to stand equal within this change and live the solution in equality and oneness to all in this world.

I commit to walk through all resistances in practical living and walk what is needed to be walked to correct myself and stand as life one and equal as the solution to end suffering forevermore on this planet.




i dont want to change, i dont care, life is too hard, why is life hard, hardships, stress, no trust, solutions, equality, equal life, eqafe, desteni, journey to life, 2012,

Day 44- Stop the BullSh*t

Not stopping myself when I am in the mist of a tense moment in my world, and instead of stopping myself and stabilizing myself with the physical, I go into energy as anger and desire to get the last word in in competition.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give into anger urges and follow it when I made the decision to not go into the energy.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow desire to get my way seen and heard override my self honesty and self trust to walk in what is best for all but instead went into ego and directed in abuse.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to direct myself in abuse and thus direct myself in separation to the other in my world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel good when I exert my energy as anger out onto the other and let her know that I am mad at her.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to another's behaviors as if it really effect who I am but within this only be desiring to fulfill my ego and be heard and have the last word.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be addicted to getting the last word in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be addicted to winning and competing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be addicted to the energy when I am at the top within getting the last word in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to miss the breath within these moments of energy addiction accumulation as anger and allow myself to go into separation based on ego.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into ego.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be directed by addiction as energy release and accumulation as winning and competing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to continue to exist in competition with others in my world when I realize I am only fighting and competing with myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to separate me from the other and see this world in division as me vs. them.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be directed by energy movement and stand to stop this by walking breath and practicing being here until I am here.

When and as this point to go into anger and competition to get the last word and win essentially, I stop, breath, and stabilize myself before I take another step, and do not speak until I am here....walk away! and don't go into the desire to get the last word and continue the energy just S-T-O-P!

I commit to stopping desire to get the last word in a fight.

I commit to stop energy addiction to anger and competition.

I commit to breath through the energy to get more and walk away until I am here as breath and stabilized one and equal to the physical as me.

I commit to stop fighting with others and fighting with myself.



ego, anger, i hate you, why do we fight, conflict, stress, no trust, equality, equal life, solutions for anger, self help for hate, eqafe, desteni, journey to life, 2012