My Journey to Life: boring

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

'Testing Things' to Hide from Myself - Day 346

Please reference these blogs for more perspective on this point:

This point is on the desire to actually continue the addiction I had been walking to the high from drugs through an idea I created and statement I made to myself that 'I am testing myself on the drug to see how I am and if I am able to not be moved', even after I had stopped this point and been walking process for some time. But really I was deceptively hiding the fact that I still did not want to stop the addiction, and so hid behind the excuse of I am testing myself when that is really not relevant of the process I am walking to become life equal and one here in the physical because as I realized it's not about who I am on drugs, but who I am breath by breath, so testing myself is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with the physical, but everything to do with the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of testing myself within doing a drug to veil the fact that I desire to actually still do the drug and continue to be in this addiction as it gives me instant gratification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within desires, wants, and needs, within a belief in my mind that i am not happy unless i have something to do or exist from outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize that i see, realize, and need nothing outside myself to be here and exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that through testing a drug I am becoming more transcended within it, when really what i am doing is existing within self compromise as i am really just prolonging the point of simply stopping participation in it through stopping the addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by self interest in the desire to get something from what i am doing instead of standing here within an equal support of give and receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live from the desire and belief that i can have instant satisfaction through drugs and live into this desire by hiding and excusing my behavior through justifications that i am walking self honestly when in reality I am just feeding my desire to have life be instant and satisfying through giving into energy possession as addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to have any consequence for just allowing this point to continue overtime, when i realize that my physical is being effected through a pain within the knee as continuing to exist in self interest as ego - knee=ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the effects that my actions as living only in consideration of energy through the mind as desires instead of considering the reality of life, my physical, my self honesty, and my self trust within who i am and being able to stand by that to be trustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words 'testing myself' as an excuse to do drugs and get high feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I can do it one more time and it's fine, when i continue to use this excuse and not be able to be trusted within it as my actions are showing that I am addicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live my words and thus diminish my effectiveness in the physical to be able to truly trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have not yet stood by my word to stop my desire/needs for drugs through standing within each and every movement to do it and not give into the energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself lie to myself in saying it's ok one more time, I am just testing myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the process of becoming life to get high and hide behind the dishonesty of my actions as it's really due to self interest.

When and as I see myself going into the excuse of I am testing myself or I can do this one more time, I stop and breath, and I realize that this is not honest, I am using this excuse to get a fulfillment as I am in desire and need as energy within the mind through thoughts as debates to do it or not. I realize if I am being moved within the mind as energy and within my physical, I am not standing and thus I can not trust my words nor actions.

I commit myself to stop these thoughts of 'I am testing myself' in a self compromising action.

I commit myself to stop these thoughts of 'I am only doing it this one time' through not participating in them and letting them go.

I commit to write out the points that come up that I see I still have any energy movements within them and clear them.

I commit myself to breath and push my living breath by breath in living my words, being effective, and pushing myself beyond my boundaries until I am here and standing through my own self direction in self honesty absolutely.

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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Seeing life as Boring - Day 345

Please reference this blog for further perspective on this point:
"Mind Give Me Joy" - Day 344

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see life as boring.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see my experiences within my mind as exciting and interesting.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see my mind images as smoking weed and then going and doing a physical activity as fun.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought that 'doing physical things is much more fun high'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thought that 'i have much more interesting and insightful realizations when i am high'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see being high as a way to connect with life more, with people more, and be more intelligent.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire weed when i am reading and researching things as I believe that I gain more out of what I am reading due to being high and on weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to smoke weed when i am in the bathtub because i had a belief that being high makes me more relaxed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe these acceptances about weed as helping me more then if I was not on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind as images of memories of being high in the past and seeing how enjoyable it was as i remember how I experienced myself connecting to nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those memories of moments that I apparently was connecting to nature where in fact real, when I realize that I indeed did not connect to nature because I couldn't communicate with it and physical see beyond the usual of what I always see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life with out weed is boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe life without any drug to get me high such as pills, hash, e, mushrooms, alcohol that I will not experience life in a different way and a heightened way because I have a belief that all i am is the way i see myself within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only imagine life through my mind, what it's like and what is possible without taking the physical steps to move myself, transcend my mind through these points of desire, and walk the self perfection process breath by breath until it is done.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the belief that life is through thinking and memories and substances outside myself to enjoy it and experience myself as more.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience myself more then who I am here in each moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe me here living breath by breath is not enough, is not stimulating enough, and thus always go into energy as desire and fulfillment through outside sources.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see those who smoke weed and do drugs as a cool group, and those who don't are missing out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that not doing drugs is missing out on life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fulfill my desires within my mind to receive excitement within fulfilling them through outside sources.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only consider myself and my wants within the desires to fulfill my excitement instead of the life i am effecting such as the physical body with weed and it's effect on my lungs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the consequences in my mind dimensions as well as on my physical body of doing drugs and seeking pleasure through desires and pushing myself to fulfill them in an addiction personality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only care about getting high and having fun and enjoying myself in my mind as thoughts and imaginations and fantasy scenarios rather then the physical environment i am effecting and my physical itself I am abusing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make my mind god as the excitement, fun, good, pleasure fulfilled and the physical what is real as the boring, avoidable, undesirable based on seeking energy through my mind as experiences of feelings as stimulation in thinking and fantasizing about what could be, or imagining what i'll be like in the future.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to become addicted to my own self interest in seeking instant gratification through outside influences through the mind as energy rather then walking the physical process here, breath by breath in my living, and accumulating my living to be real, substantial, and what is best aligned with all life equal to self and who I am in my living.

When and as I see myself go into my mind to seek any point of self interested outside source for my pleasure or stimulation through energy addictions such as drugs, or sex, or food, or sleeping, I stop and breath, and realize that going to do something or be something to get a high, I am existing within the mind as a polarity of the physical, making the physical and the mind in competition and comparing it, rather then living here in my physical and directing myself within and as my living each and every breath with no need, want, or desire directing me, i direct me here in what I self will within my own common sense assessment and decision in each moment. I realize that life is not boring but here living and changing but stable in each moment, life is everything and thus is not able to be defined and categorized but is simply who I am in each moment.

I commit myself to breath through all desires that come up to do something or have something that is based on a point of seeking fulfillment within the mind as an addiction.

I commit myself to move myself within each moment to substantiate my life through actually living and expanding myself within my own self application, my own learning, my own doing, and become aware here in each moment.

I commit to walk breath by breath and use my physical movement to become aware of all that is here in each moment, connecting to my environment, and letting go of the need of fulfillment outside myself and see myself already fulfilled here.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

"Mind Give Me Joy" - Day 344

Recently, a few points have opened up in relation to addiction and specifically desiring entertainment because I perceive life to be boring, so to entertain myself within my mind through my living, I had been using drugs for the past 10 years or so to do this. Now within the past 3 years, I have been walking the desteni process which has supported and assisted me to stop smoking weed as this was my main drug of choice, and I have become stable within my direction as my decision to never go back to the way I use to be on this drug. I also let go of the thought patterns, the desires, the picture activation within my mind to go ahead and smoke weed by stopping my participation in them over time each and every time they would come up, stop and focus on the physical. Over time these mind components that usually set me on the track to do drugs, had become lesser and lesser as I stopped my mind and so the desire diminished greatly. This supporting me to stop my participation in weed completely.

But recently, I have realized that I have not completely transcended this point of addiction as I still at times follow desires and thoughts to get a rush of energy as excitement or fulfillment through something outside of myself. I have found the main common denominator within these addiction desires that eventually leads me to some sort of energy rush be it sweets, drugs, sex, or even watching a movie or a show, was this point of being bored within my day to day living, seeing life as more fun with the release of these feelings. I was being moved by a desire within me to get some excitement in my life even though I was not supporting my body and in more cases then not my body was showing to me that I am abusing it, through pains, aches, and sickness.

What I have realized through the help of other destonians is that this point of seeing life in reality as boring, I am time looping myself within because I am polarizing what is real as boring and what is illusion as stimulating, and thus you can see the dilemma, I am searching and seeking illusion while disregard and abusing what is real as not as worthy. So an addiction pattern I have been participating in making the mind be the positive, the energy rush that I get when I get the desire fulfilled such as sex, drugs, sweets, or whatever it is, and then make my living, my life, life in general in physical reality the negative. But through this belief that I am following that life is boring, I am being played the whole time by consciousness as the mind through me as it gains the energy it needs to continuing existing sucking the physical life from my physical body as it resource the energy straight from the physical itself.

And so creating a point of self sabotage within me as destroying that which is real, life, my physical participation, and my opportunity here to birth myself as the physical itself equal and one as life to become what is here in fact, the physical, the life that's always been here that I have not discovered yet beyond the mind, beyond thoughts, beyond energy, but here in breath. And this discovery of the physical as I have come to learn through many different interview series of great support from desteni is that we have the ability to be one and equal in communication with the physical reality, the animals, the plants, the trees, my physical body, everything that exist as it is right here to be accessed because everything that exist is life and thus is self as we are all one here as life because we are all physically existing. We are all here existing as the physical and the physical is life which is the real self, who we really are, so there is a process to be walked to get there, and so this polarity point I have been existing within is separating me from this life here in the physical as I exiting in my mind searching and seeking energy release.

So obviously, I will have to walk the self forgiveness process in clearing this point of polarizing my reality with my mind, and merge the two to be here, direct, within my own directive principle living in common sense through placing self commitments to support my living change in what is best for all as this is the path to life. From what I have understood thus far in my study of the desteni material is that the most extraordinary path we can walk for ourselves is the path to our own self direction through our own self will in self honesty one and equal with the physical, that is where our power is and that is where we are, we are physical beings, but have to emerge as such because we separated ourselves from it a long time ago through our minds and energy addiction. Join us through following and starting your own journey to life blog, and through our living actions in correcting ourselves to align with life, we will truly give ourselves the gift of life.