Digging deeper within the point of my relationship to myself of stopping myself from going into compromising actions or compromising words that will cause an unnecessary abusive consequence is something I am slowly, but surely realizing I must do and have been accumulating my resolve to live in this way throughout the years that I have been walking this process at desteni. I am finding now that I have to find the origin points of these consistent patterns that keep emerging, and it’s like a cyclical point of going into an energy experience, one day being ok, normal, and fine, and then next day or two or three going into a possession of something that has been milling about in my mind over and over again, like lingering not going away. One of the main points recently of this lingering thought pattern has been towards a specific person and though after self forgiveness and self commitments where put in place by myself and I start to integrate the self correction in my living, I still react to this person when I see them. To put it in other words the self correction action was just not working and it's like a lingering experience I am feeling within myself that just will not go away towards this specific person.
The point that this has currently happened was based on a point of someone owing me money, and this money was overdue. So I have in the past done self forgiveness on this person as well as did self forgiveness on this pattern of thinking and the points that I could see that where relevant as well as I applied myself in stopping the patterns, but again the energies would not go away and the thoughts just kept coming. So this energy through allowing the thoughts to continue without any resolution, the energy got to a point where when I saw the person in real life, I would react to her and cause an outburst to get my energy that had now accumulated of anger and irritation towards her released as it was quite built up.
This is the cycle of the mind happening here, where the mind will keep thoughts cycling like a lingering sensation, it’s not particularly strong, but the thoughts are there in the background, hovering, floating through, and every once and a while a few thoughts will pop through to the forefront and I react to them, and then as this same pattern keeps happening throughout my day, I eventually will have an outburst towards her because I had been being annoyed all day with these thoughts about how she owes me this and she is so irresponsible and she is so selfish. The mind is good at using our own weaknesses against us as here where I accepted myself to go into this accumulation of thought patterns about this person that was not in fact real by allowing them to continue. So the point I had missed through help of another I have found is the point of not looking behind the lingering thoughts, behind the hovering energy experiences, and seeing what was the original reaction point that is causing these thoughts and energies to be here, and did I forgive them yet? And the answer is no, I haven’t yet, and I did indeed see an original reaction point before to the point I am looking at here.
So the original point was a phone agreement that I had with this specific person, and I didn’t want her to join it because of this specific person is notoriously known for not paying people on time, but I felt bad for her because it would be cheaper for her, and so I allowed her to come on to the plan. But within this allowance, I reacted extensively in blame towards her and did not go into the agreement unconditionally allowing it to be what it was. I already in my mind went into anger towards her and created a resistance towards her for not in the future going to pay me back on time. This accumulating to this point now where the mind just took this and create all sorts of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and I allowed it to direct me, and so now when I see her I have extensive resistance towards her because I am not here clear with her in the physical, but reacting in my mind to points that have not been sorted within myself from the past that are replaying without proper self direction.
So I am finding it’s important to not only look at the moment of reaction when it happens, but to look beyond that moment, and find the origin point of when in fact this whole reaction of this person took place. When did these reactions start because I not only have to forgive what is coming up in this moment that I am reacting to, but all of the points within the timeline of events that I reacted to. This to clear the energy that I have created in such moments and obviously not directing this energy, it will go it's own way in what it was programmed to do through and by the mind as consciousness.
So the point I missed that would have avoided this whole play out of reaction and abuse towards this person is if I in the moment of the agreement of the phone plan was to stick to what the common sense of the moment was showing me, and that was to not allow her on the plan due to her record of not paying her bills on time. This is the point that I have been reacting to the whole time, and if the reality shows that it's not a practical point to pursue, then it's best to heed the reality of the situation rather then allow your mind to tell you how to go about it because the mind is made from illusion as thoughts, ideas, and beliefs, and you can't trust that. Trusting the reality of things is the best course of action I have found, and living self honest and in common sense is the best direction I can give myself to support me and others in the best way possible.
More to follow with self forgiveness and self correction on these points, thanks.
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