My Journey to Life: emotional cycles

Showing posts with label emotional cycles. Show all posts

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Lingering Thoughts that Create Abuse – Day 350

Please reference this blog for context:

The Linger Trouble that Won’t Quit – What does this Imply? – Day 349

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that within myself I need a particular outcome to move me rather then moving myself in the direction that is necessary to create a solution in
my reality to create the best outcome possible that will support all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to instead of taking responsibility for myself and changing the pattern that is required to become a person who is self directive, I instead go into a blame pattern towards another and so create a justification for my abuse in reality towards another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy within me in my mind of another in blame and allow myself to continue participating within this blame throughout the day by continuing in the thought patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to loop within a thought pattern of blame and anger energy towards another person because it release pressure within myself and so am
able to release this pressure on another in the anger outburst that I realize will become more of a consequence then necessary and thus I realize I am actually addicted to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be addicted to the energy of anger and fighting with others and getting my way, instead of releasing this point through stopping my participation in
these lingering thoughts, moving myself in the physical, and directing myself to solutions in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify staying in these lingering patterns of abuse through the belief that I have a right to be angry, when this right is not in fact valid or real as I am not looking at the truth of the matter, but only my self interest to be right and to at the end of the day get my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get my own way met instead of realizing this creates friction in my world cycling through the same conflict over and over again, and me accepting this because I gain energy through my ego desire to be right and win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another based on the fact of me desiring to be right and get my way, and so create energy as anger within me through accepting these lingering thoughts, and cause more of an abusive consequences through my actions and my words that will have ripple effects that I can not conceive in this moment, but all are abusive and cause separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to only think of myself and my own desires being met to feel good, and so disregard the rest of my environment as well as the all that will be effected through suffering and abuse by me only considering how I feel and not care about the rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ignorant and defiant within my stand of being right with another, and so not hear what is being said and just fight for my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the mind and not consider reality and what will be best suited to create the outcome that will benefit all in this physical real existence not in my illusion made up world as my mind reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow ignorance and so the abuse of all life around me and not follow the life principles of what is real and effecting everyone and that is living one
and equal.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing ignorance within linger thought patterns without directing them by stopping them in breath, I stop and breath, and realize the consequence of these actions are
already known, I realize abuse through my own actions will occur and I will fight for my own self interest and thus only exist in survival and separation as this is what I am creating through my living.

I commit myself to breath through these desires to go into thinking patterns and staying in the mind where I don’t have to move.

I commit myself to walk physical reality, move myself when I see the thoughts start to come, and stop participation through becoming physical.

I commit myself to breath and immediately correct myself when I see that I am starting to go in the mind in lingering in imagination and thoughts, by saying no I move here, and get up and move myself.

I commit myself to the four count breath to stop the desire to get my way and fall into the mind as an energy addiction.

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Saturday, October 5, 2013

The Linger Trouble that Won’t Quit – What does this Imply? – Day 349

Digging deeper within the point of my relationship to myself of stopping myself from going into compromising actions or compromising words that will cause an unnecessary abusive consequence is something I am slowly, but surely realizing I must do and have been accumulating my resolve to live in this way throughout the years that I have been walking this process at desteni. I am finding now that I have to find the origin points of these consistent patterns that keep emerging, and it’s like a cyclical point of going into an energy experience, one day being ok, normal, and fine, and then next day or two or three going into a possession of something that has been milling about in my mind over and over again, like lingering not going away. One of the main points recently of this lingering thought pattern has been towards a specific person and though after self forgiveness and self commitments where put in place by myself and I start to integrate the self correction in my living, I still react to this person when I see them. To put it in other words the self correction action was just not working and it's like a lingering experience I am feeling within myself that just will not go away towards this specific person.

The point that this has currently happened was based on a point of someone owing me money, and this money was overdue. So I have in the past done self forgiveness on this person as well as did self forgiveness on this pattern of thinking and the points that I could see that where relevant as well as I applied myself in stopping the patterns, but again the energies would not go away and the thoughts just kept coming. So this energy through allowing the thoughts to continue without any resolution, the energy got to a point where when I saw the person in real life, I would react to her and cause an outburst to get my energy that had now accumulated of anger and irritation towards her released as it was quite built up.

This is the cycle of the mind happening here, where the mind will keep thoughts cycling like a lingering sensation, it’s not particularly strong, but the thoughts are there in the background, hovering, floating through, and every once and a while a few thoughts will pop through to the forefront and I react to them, and then as this same pattern keeps happening throughout my day, I eventually will have an outburst towards her because I had been being annoyed all day with these thoughts about how she owes me this and she is so irresponsible and she is so selfish. The mind is good at using our own weaknesses against us as here where I accepted myself to go into this accumulation of thought patterns about this person that was not in fact real by allowing them to continue. So the point I had missed through help of another I have found is the point of not looking behind the lingering thoughts, behind the hovering energy experiences, and seeing what was the original reaction point that is causing these thoughts and energies to be here, and did I forgive them yet? And the answer is no, I haven’t yet, and I did indeed see an original reaction point before to the point I am looking at here.

So the original point was a phone agreement that I had with this specific person, and I didn’t want her to join it because of this specific person is notoriously known for not paying people on time, but I felt bad for her because it would be cheaper for her, and so I allowed her to come on to the plan. But within this allowance, I reacted extensively in blame towards her and did not go into the agreement unconditionally allowing it to be what it was. I already in my mind went into anger towards her and created a resistance towards her for not in the future going to pay me back on time. This accumulating to this point now where the mind just took this and create all sorts of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and I allowed it to direct me, and so now when I see her I have extensive resistance towards her because I am not here clear with her in the physical, but reacting in my mind to points that have not been sorted within myself from the past that are replaying without proper self direction.

So I am finding it’s important to not only look at the moment of reaction when it happens, but to look beyond that moment, and find the origin point of when in fact this whole reaction of this person took place. When did these reactions start because I not only have to forgive what is coming up in this moment that I am reacting to, but all of the points within the timeline of events that I reacted to. This to clear the energy that I have created in such moments and obviously not directing this energy, it will go it's own way in what it was programmed to do through and by the mind as consciousness.

So the point I missed that would have avoided this whole play out of reaction and abuse towards this person is if I in the moment of the agreement of the phone plan was to stick to what the common sense of the moment was showing me, and that was to not allow her on the plan due to her record of not paying her bills on time. This is the point that I have been reacting to the whole time, and if the reality shows that it's not a practical point to pursue, then it's best to heed the reality of the situation rather then allow your mind to tell you how to go about it because the mind is made from illusion as thoughts, ideas, and beliefs, and you can't trust that. Trusting the reality of things is the best course of action I have found, and living self honest and in common sense is the best direction I can give myself to support me and others in the best way possible.

More to follow with self forgiveness and self correction on these points, thanks.