Here i had a significant and greatly impactful moment where i was told that i was going to be a portal, I understand now that this was a test by life to see who i would be, for so long i believed my self to be good, to be righteous, to have integrity, to be brave, to be courageous, to be special, everything that makes someone feel wholesome and good about oneself. But as reality and the physical world/life dictates, the proof is in the living, the existing, the creating in each moment. I did not realize nor see at the time the significance of a thought and the accumulation power of thinking because in the moment it seems so light, it seems harmless, the small thoughts of 'it would be so cool to have access to the afterlife like the portal does', 'it would be so awesome if i was seen being like the portal/jesus/bernard', it would be so wonderful if i could give to this world solutions and be part of the solution in a grand and big way, in the background desiring this, wanting it, thinking more and more on these types of thoughts where eventually life said ok who are you? I fall.
Where eventually these thoughts become real, the points manifest where i become obsessed about portal/afterlife and understanding this for myself, where the line of doing what is best for all and getting my wants/needs/desire met are blurred in a most serious way as totting the line with life and the impacts that has been set forth by those that stand the test of time and stand for life through. No judgment of self or another i realize as well all face this and fall, thought the falling causes consequences and is harmful if not fufilling living in the shoes of another and doing what is best for all. This beliefs and ideas of such a big impact having an effect on me greatly where no longer was clear about what was manifesting, losing track of myself within the actual practical tools/support for myself and this happened swiftly without much notice until it was in my face, and where i could no longer contain it, and so my fall manifested physically. Innocence lost, in this while the desires are being chased and yearned for, wanting so much something 'positive' to come out of this, it goes the opposite and the suffering grows. And this is all that occurs when in a fall and not being self honest/getting stable because i no longer am able to create myself as life, one and equal. I am creating from a point of chaos, separate from my reality losing my integrity and sense of self pride in the process. And i ask myself do i have to fall and crash and suffer a lot myself to realize that this was never the point, it is not about self being anything, its about all life, its about being here no matter what and doing what is best for all, its about all and everything and taking self responsibility for it all and finding solutions. The point was never about being something, or becoming something, but being here, breathing, and self living in what is best for all practically so all can live.
I could cry a million tears, i could scream at the top of my lungs forever, i could rip my body into shreds, these are the feelings and emotions that have come through in realizing the stupidity and abomination of such thoughts and actions lived when I don't do what is best for all and in reality create impact as trauma and group trauma. I look and bring into myself the living purity i can access at times within others and thus within myself, and it pains me that i am no longer equal and one to this, though i am. The grace of life is that it is pure, it never ends, it is always here a a foundation for all. When self harm it will cause you to go to the brink of insanity as the separation of self as an acceptance and allowance as the thoughts indicate and will prove will become real for self. But each one is different, each one face their own cross to bear, and each one must walk the process of self forgiveness and living change to see this world of suffering change, i realized its not about me, its about everyone and there is much more responsibility then i think. It's just that simple, no excuses, i do want to make many, i want to get out of this, i want to be free, but realize i have a responsibility to myself and all life to make it happen, i am the solution, i am the cure.
There is no forgiveness but self forgiveness, so i have to continue forward, i have to forgive myself, i have to find the innocence that is here, but this has to be proven through living action, that i actually care, that i actually understand the magnitude of shit i as all life is facing, there is solutions, they are in supporting self with self forgiveness and being self honest. Its a process and its best if done through writing/self investigation and forgiveness of self, i found this is the only way to get through, prove to self as life that self care, be self honest, and never give up until its done.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of self righteousness where i thought that i was practically equal to the portal as the walk and scope of processing that took place from the being that actually proved and lived it, Bernard and Sunette.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of judgment cause i desired this seeing myself as a loser, low, inferior, and in a state of being pathetic as i want something that is only actually real if lived and proven/expressed as an actual expression of self with evidence in the physical that'll be undeniable and testable and will stand. And i see, realize, and understand that the fact that i desire this and create reactions toward others, i am not this as this is not life/expression of life as a true representation as what the portal proved and lived along with Bernard.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in my inferiority become spiteful that i can not be a portal, i can not be special as in have a significant point of support in the mission of bringing solutions to this world, and in this missing myself as the solution as life here in the physical.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful within the desire to be special, and in this allow and accept jealousy onto the portal and those who have special access believing that this would be so enjoyable and fascinating to have access to, not seeing, and being self honest of the fact of the responsibility that goes with such power, and the magnitude of difficult situations faced without a real clue of what taking on the mind and standing through it all is all about at this time when it has been proven and tested through time.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i had a great mission this life, and so following points and people rather then trust my inner guidance and self movement in self trust due to not trusting myself not being self honest that then i am not this point of solution but still needing to process myself and prove that i am real/life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry toward the portal when they no longer aligned with my thoughts as walking a specific mission of me being a special being on this mission to bring a new way of living into this reality instead of seeing realizing and understanding i was actually the one creating this in my own mind, and the disconnect as my reality in conflict was showing me to myself my own self delusion and self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the portal for the experience of shame and regret i went through when i finally came to and realized i was not walking what was best for all but creating more consequence in my head and self and world within the belief that i was being directed by them, when all the while i was being direct by my own mind, my own illusions, my own demons as the beliefs and ideas that i was creating the path to being a portal and one day being able to bring this way of living to others. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special and not stand in to eternity as life and see it through in self forgiveness and living change but letting go of specialness and in humbleness doing what is best for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to bring a new way into the world that is special to me making the solution to the world about me rather then actually bringing a solution to the world that will bring about a world that is best that i can see is in dire need of it as so many suffering in silence and needlessness but for greed and selfishness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become selfish and rotten within where i seek out my own self satisfaction as pleasure within the thoughts of being grandeur or self pleasure indulging in the nectars and sweetness to a point of drunkenness of this earth and so become intoxicated with the spirit of greed, emotion, and harm where not only i suffer but everyone does to some degree or another because i am the other and i am harming myself, but all as one and equal we have to endure this until the solution for real as self is put in place where the weakness will in henrit the earth and much pain will come.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be in such a state of disrespect for life and disgrace of myself when i see, realize, and understand life as a gift was given unconditionally and without want and i destroy it without care until its too much.
I commit myself to stop the disrespect and disgrace of myself so i can in time stand and give this respect and grace to life as those who are here, not wanting or have need but give and so i can then receive.
I commit myself to stop all and any thought within and as my physical and breathe, let go, and move into the simple of life, the day to day, moment to moment, allowing the forgiveness of self to be lived out so self change can be en-joyed and thus bring this peace to others as i have done for myself first.
I commit myself to stop all self indulgences in all it's forms and realize selfishness causes harm, and this is deliberate, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberate in my desires to be special and harm this reality with my greed where babies die and mothers cry.
I commit myself to end my self ego and separation through breath by breath stopping myself as the thoughts that say i can't do it, i am doomed, i have no worth.
I commit myself to in these moments see my worth, see the worth of all life as i realize all in some way or another are innocent and going through this hell, but i see, realize, and understand it must be done until all this stop as suffering as this is not life.
I commit myself to set daily goals to wake up in a point of purpose where i get moving and stop the thinking of harm and dread, moving into self change and physical movement to ensure that i am remaining focused on what is here.
I commit myself to practice the 4 count breath, and keep at it until it flows naturally.
I commit myself to stop anger and blame towards others and take self responsibility for my actions by changing my behavior to be better.
I commit myself to stop comparison and so stop jealousy, accepting myself for who i am and what my potential is and so accepting others as they are living as the solution letting go of needing it from others.
I commit myself to stop following others and live my self trust, checking within before i speak and act.
I commit myself to stop desires and self indulgences and become more creative to fill up my time with art, reading, or being active.
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