A Lady's Journey to Life: Precision of Self

I will open up the next series of blog with looking at the word precision. This word I resist within myself within just looking at it here based on my desire to want to have an err of leeway to slack off and not put my full attention into whatever it is that I must act with precision in. So obviously within the principle of what you resist will persist, I am now in my process here to face and realign my living to in fact walk precision within myself and what I live in all moments that it calls for. I am going to focus this word precision with some support words such as constant, unwavering, persistence, steadfast, breath, here, life, best for all that I will use as a support structure to walk this specific point I want to walk within this act of precision and so then the support words to live these words in all areas of my life. So all these words will have to be looked at and redefined, which I will do in blogs to come.

The point I will be walking and practicing the integration of these words in my living is with a form of energetic reaction I go into and have noticed still has power over me in moments. It’s specifically within a group setting, meaning it’s with people, where we are talking face to face, and I am being looked at directly in the eyes. Then eventually there will be a movement or a belief that’ll come up due to some or one of the other people’s making some sort of gesture of uncomfortability, be it not holding eye contact or rubbing there face or eyes. These specific motions from the other cause triggers inside of me where in I will go into an emotional experience of diminishment coming from my solar plexus area moving into my chest area, and feeling in a way like it is clenching into my limbs which creates a tightness and constriction within my entire physical body.

So I feel it physically when I become possessed by this experience as this depressive state of tension and constriction, but this is not were it starts, this reaction starts with a little movement inside my stomach area of a sinking feeling and then the thoughts start of like a ‘damn, I am being judged again, I am the one who is being seen as awkward’ and then this will stew subconsciously while I am trying to hold face and discuss what is being talked about. Then I will depending on the stimulation from the external environment, go into a panic type experience or stop it there and not allow it. This moment of decision is usually based on if I go into the energy reaction or not, and the most highly tense time for reaction is if I go into a bathroom or mirror and look at myself. Then you may say, ‘well don’t look in the mirror’, but this is something that is addictive in nature as well as having to be transcended anyway as I can not keep away from mirrors my whole life.

And if I do fall into that addiction pattern of looking in the mirror and going into the thoughts of ‘your so ugly’, ‘you are never going to be normal and part of the group’ ‘you are inferior to others with this ugly face’ ‘you are not as cool as these people’ ‘they see you as awkward’ ‘you are not going to be able to stand with these people’, ‘you are weird and strange’ ‘they are going to judge you as weird’ ‘look how you talked, see you aren’t good enough’ ‘look how you look in the mirror, see you are so not attractive to look at’ ‘see how they rubbed their eyes, you are so disgusting looking’. Those are an example of the type of thoughts that go through my head, I will next time I see this pattern come up, use precision as a point to get the exact thought words that come up and what exactly the energy is doing to my body in these moments. But for now, this is the basics of it and I will work with this for the next blogs to come.

So with the word precision, I would like to look at and redefine it in my next blog to use it as a support structure for me to walk through this energy reaction of self compromise firstly, and then specify and use it for my living application in all I do. And so do this same process for the support words I mentioned earlier in this blog as well.

Thanks for reading.