Is My Love for Real? - Day 405

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I am going to start some writing and self investigation within relationships in my world and who I am within it. Now, I have gotten some cool support with regards to how to go about finding what it is that I am looking for or desiring within the relationships that I am in because as I have realized I am not able to yet direct myself within each one in a point of self stability and self trust where I am moved only within a self decision and direction of common sense assessment of reality, but am more moved within energy polarities that are quite limiting through thought patterns created in my mind.

I am going to open up my relationship with my dog, Henri. I can see already that I am quite attached to him where I think about him often when I am not with him and I gain an energetic high of excitement when I then again see him. One cool point that I was given was to hold the relationship within myself and find one word that describes it and what the energetic experiences are within it. I did do this with the relationship with Henri, and what came up was the word ‘childcare’.

First, the word child, where I see that the relationships of mother and child is being fulfilled within me where I do desire to be a mother and care for a child. The child that Henri portrays is more my idea of him as my child because he is child-like within his expression, so I see that as he needs my care and support like a child would need from his/her parents. Where within herni, he is an animal who to a certain extent is stable and able to care for himself to maintain this stability he ihas. He does need my care for things he can’t do on his own, but in terms of a need, Henri is not in need of a ‘mothers’ care and love. This motherly way is what I would like to investigate further within the desire to care for another such as a mother cares for her children. 

With Henri, I see how he fulfills this desire within me to care for another, I enjoy doing this for him and for others, but within and behind this care it is generated and driven within an energy experience I am gaining of fulfillment and need that I see of wanting to give care to then receive the appreciation of the care in the form of ‘love’ or ‘affection’. Henri is quite affectionate and gentle in his expression, where he responds to my care giving in a manner of showing certain gestures and ways where I get an energy reaction within me of ‘oh he really loves me’ or ‘he knows I will always be there for him’. Where otherwise, I believe if I don’t give this care then I am not worthy of the affection from him or that he will not in fact act the same way, where these energetic experience of ‘feeling loved’ and ‘admired’ will not be fulfilled, which I fear.

So it’s interesting that within the seemingly innocent and quite natural way of care giving I give to Henri, I am within this desiring to be loved and admired, and so this being a conditional relationships within a need starting point, rather then an unconditional giving of myself where we are both free to express as is here and not be moved by energy experiences within to define the relationships and who I will be within it.

So will start with self forgiveness and self correction within the next blog, thanks for reading.

Eqafe interview support I recommend:
Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race


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