Sunday, November 22, 2015

Family and Competition – Day 484

How is it that we become so competitive and driven to survival within this reality? I have been looking at this point recently and have found within most of my interactions there is an underlying experience and desire to be the best and compete. This desire comes in many subtle forms, they are thoughts that go on in the background, not very noticeable or visible, but they are certainly there. They are fueled within self insecurity and judgments. These thoughts I would say are the secret mind thoughts, the thoughts that I wouldn’t want anyone to see or hear, so within this there is an experience of shame and self dishonesty that I am experiencing. Where this leads to feeling inadequate and going into the world to try and make myself better, and to do this I go into competition, where I can be seen as more or better in some way. So the essential point that is moving this participating in the bad emotions such as judgment of myself or others which creates this desire to feel better. But what is this all holding up and keeping in place, shame, judgment, competition, and self dishonesty.

This is obviously not the way to self equality with oneself and one’s environment, so I looked at this point more in depth and realized that this desire to compete and be more has been with me since my childhood, I have always had this drive to compete and be more then. This started with my family and the culture that was created within my childhood years. The circumstances for children coming into this world vary based on income of the family and personal awareness, so there is many outflows we as a society have to take responsibility for and also support, so here I want to walk through some of these scenarios for myself so I can stand and take responsibility for them and stop them from perpetuating in my world and reality. 

To start, I remember going to my first experience of school where I was quite excited to experience all the different toys and games that I saw when I would drop off my sisters. This excitement diminished when I got to the kindergarten classroom, where I was given these tests to find out where I stood within the class and if I was going to be able to get in. I remember being stressed and anxious about the test taking because I had no idea where I stood in relation to it and I feared not being able to get into this cool looking classroom.

Here is one experience of competition and fear of survival that came up in my life and how this effected the whole rest of my schooling years where I associated this building with having to keep score and make the cut, competing with numbers and other children and environments, I mean it is a stressful thing to throw a child into not knowing what to expect and having no real understanding of the reason for the testing and why it is being done, and just expect them to be enjoying themselves and ok with all of it. Children aren’t told anything, they are mostly forced into what it is that is expected of them over traditions and never included in the decision. If children fight back, they are seen as rebellious and handled in a more strict way. This goes into parenting and how parents create a dynamic of master/slave relationship that the child certainly picks up on and becomes defiant in a way toward, which is extended into the system, such as the education system and the way in which is operates. This is from my personal experience of my own childhood and some insight and perspective to support with changing to solutions that will support all and create a better world for all.

I will continue in my next blog, thanks.

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