Starting again - Day 1

 

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am special for being a destonian.

I frogive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am special because of the intelligence i believe i have and thus can use this idea and belief of myself to in my mind make myself feel more then, better then others, and thus believe that i can get something out of it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better then others to fill a void in myself where i lack confidence and care and love for myself because i judge myself and so judge others to fit into the roles of my mind creations that suit me in the moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find the time to stand and sit and contemplate about who is what and create ideas and thinking patterns of what is here and who is what, rather then take my day to day life step by step and breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be special because i feel i lack any real value and worth to make people like me and stay around.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not worthy of anything because of what i have judged of myself and what i have done to a degree where i shamed life as myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stay in self pity and victimization for my past and what i particpated in, and thus go into laziness and robotic dullness where i don't do much and just want to waste away.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a portal of good, and thus fear being the worst, bad, or evil that i have participated and accepted to exist. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and not see that i am not standing myself and walking the talk that it takes to become self honest and live a new way that is supportive of myself and others equal and one.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of failing and thus fear that i am going to be lost for good in the sea of my mistakes, and never recover.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming lost.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming abandoned by life/myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abandon and let others be lost, not supporting them when i see they can be.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst of myself and not make my life into the gift i was given.

I forgive myself that i am too far gone to ever have forgiveness of life and be in a state of peace and naturalness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire peace, and so not give it and live it as myself to others as i'd like to receive. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give as i'd like to receive but hold it as a transaction where i want a return.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be conditional with others and so not give as i'd like to receive.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stand when my mind kicks in and wants to rage.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to forget self forgiveness and common sense when i see that i am in the throws of emotions and feelings.

I commit myself to let go of the past and stand fresh here to give to myself the gift of living in a better way, a way that'll support me and so others.

I commit myself to stop the rage within me, and breathe with self forgiveness until i am again clear.

I commit myself to stop myself when i go into a idea of what is best, and let it go until i can ensure that what is best for all is in fact the outcome through proper study and investing time into the point to see what dimensions and points exist so i am better understanding what is happening before acting.

I commit myself to take it slow and walk the points more in writing before i live it.

I commit myself to give of myself what i would like to give to others so i can in fact be able to gift to others what is best as this is what i'd like for myself.

 I commit to not speak or write in emotion, but go to sf and breathe until i am clear, walking patience with myself as the point so i infact cause no harm.

Some In-Sights to this Christ-mass Day - Who AM I? Day 571

Christmas, a day of giving. 

Here I have been looking at christmas today due to lots of my life being involved in it even if I didn't want this much christmas in my world lol. For instance, I have a business leadership responsibility where I have to follow certain traditions that have been put in place, such as giving bonus checks out at the end of the year as a gift from the owners to the employees. I also like to give something extra as a gift from the new leadership in the company, which is my cousin and myself, and it be something practical, cool, and an advertisement for the company, this year I gave an embroidered lightweight backpack for people to go hiking, biking, take to the gym, whatever. So I enjoy surprising people with that.

I also am living at my sisters house and she hosts christmas dinner for my family, so I have had to give myself to helping her in many ways due to the fact that there are so many little factors that creates the eventual party that everyone will enjoy with food, drink, bake goods, and children opening presents. So there is christmas everywhere in my world and always has been around this time, though I realize not everyone is able to take a day off and enjoy with there family or friends, I do consider this at all times as best I am able to to not lose sight of what is important and who I am in my life and living. 

So I have been playing with this day today as in recent past I have disliked christmas, not wanting to be a part of it, seeing it as a scam, ect. which in many ways the idea of christmas and how it is directed in our reality is messed up, though I have been redefining it for myself and so I have found a way to stand within it and just be here with myself and everyone else regardless of what is happening and what is out of my control at this time.

I have chosen this word - play in my process to support me to anchor myself into my reality and so instead of becoming depressed or inferior or judgmental or superior, stand within a point of play, having fun, being creative, and being present and this supports with anchoring me into my body and so becoming balanced within who I am quite nicely I have found. The act of being present and finding like an adventure out of your everyday routine or life, makes life quite interesting and enjoyable to walk through. Not every moment, of course, is like this and there are moments where seriousness or some other state of being needs to be lived, but I push myself to balance myself back into this word - play and thus fun and adventure whenever the opportunity arises or I am reminded to do so. 

These words like play, fun, adventure, creative have served me well as I find I a much more at ease within my body and my self as me when actively living them and expanding within them as my living, and through this I have more of an influence and reach within my reality, I am able to connect more to people, hold more communication, eye contact, and intimacy with others, I am able to expand myself within who I am as a person that is here to support, not to harm, and also to expand in my reality, understanding more, understanding myself more, and so the path and journey continues. Always having my pillars of inner support being self honesty, self forgiveness, self introspection, self correction, and living the change within self and one's world, this is a process at desteni, it is a cycle, and it goes deeper and deeper into self, which is equally part of the play, fun, and adventure!

I found this christmas more the living of giving in a truer sense within myself in not only giving gifts as wrapped toys or presents, but actually being the present, being present with others and giving the gift that is my expression, where I make an effort to be present with the other, connect, engage in a way that adds benefit, and so leave the moment with a giving of myself as the fulfillment of who I am and can be in that moment to the best of my ability that I could see and so live. Living my highest self, pushing this as a focus and steadfast point as who I am until it is natural, this being a gift for me and others this christmas, so I am grateful and look forward to the day where I am just here breathing and living what is best for all regardless, it is who I am, simple as that. 

Christmas is just a day to practice this more intently due to the nature of the holiday, eventually it’ll be transcended though for the time being I like to use the day with efficiency and for sure fun, play, and radical self expression in the giving of who I am as the gift itself. 



Support and educate yourself on the links shared:

Free course for Desteni I Process Beginners
www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

Desteni Social Network
www.destonians.com

Main Desteni Site - Awesome Articles
http://www.desteni.org

Main Desteni Education source - Every Question Anwsered For Everyone
http://www.eqafe.com

Self Sustainable Communities based and lived in oneness and equality in what is best for all.
http://www.earthhaven.org

Day 169- Resistances to Change - Part 1

One point I fear losing if I change is my comfort within myself, I have a certain way of living where I always know there is a space within me where I can be comfortable and be able to count on that space to get me through tough times and places I don’t necessarily want to be. It’s not a real comfort though I have found, it’s more a seclusion and isolation point that I allow myself to go into within myself, where I kind of sit in a limbo, as I am within this point to avoid my responsibilities and facing myself. Within this comfort space though, I feel good and protected, like I can’t and won’t be able to be abusedor attacked when I am in this space, nothing effects me, so I resist losing this space within myself because then I feel vulnerable to others because I don’t trust others, so thus essentially showing that I don’t trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own mind as a comfort in escaping my responsibilities to find that seclusion point within myself where I can control what I am doing as well as not allow others to get in my space. This by physically removing myself from the spaces of others, as it’s due to not wanting to have to really change, Ifear this change as it’s putting myself out there where I can’t hide and can’t escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want control of myself within my environment, and thus use this point of seclusion to be able to re-group and thus when I participate in energies and they become overwhelming use this point of going within to calm the energies and get myself re-charged to be able to control myself within my environment once more as it’s quite unstable within myself, so I can feel protected and secure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being with others and thus desire to go into myself more because I don’t want to deal with what others present to me, and that is myself, my emotions, feelings, and thoughts in relation to how I am allowing myself to be around others, separating myself from the others, and thus resist these situations of being with others because I know I can go back in to this seclusion point and be safe with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to be safe and comfortable within myself to feel that I can keep going and thus resist this opposite feeling of being with others because I don’t feel safe/stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I will not be safe with others and thus create this fear within me of being around others, thus I resist this point of change within my environment because I have allowed this fear to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change based on fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist interacting with others and thus accessed my mind within myself as comfort, so I don’t have to face who I am with others but can stay in illusion allowing my mind to entertain me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind and allow it to be a comfort instead of realizing the abuse that this is causing not only to myself, but countless beings who are being ostracized and abused because people only see illusion as the mind and not what’s really here as physical reality.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am going into that resistance point with being with others and want to escape into my own space, I stop and breath and do not accept myself to go into this point by physically moving myself to interact with the others and breath through the discomfort and resistances until I am stable.

I commit myself to stop the resistances to changing my environment and my world based on fear, so I will walk through this fear and face that which I am uncomfortable with in my environment to investigate why this is so, and thus change it if it is common sense to do so.

I commit myself to let go of this desire to control my environment by breathing within and as each environment I go into, and realizing that I am here, walking stable and stopping the desire for a specific outcome.

I commit myself to walk an acceptance of others and stop the prejudgment that I am not ok, and thus stopping this point of escape as protection by stopping my actions of isolating and secluding myself.

For Further Support, Please check out Links:

Journey to Life Group
Creation's Journey to Life
Earth's Journey to Life
Heaven's Journey to LIfe
Eqafe Life Products - Self Help
Desteni Site
Desteni Wiki

resist change, i can't change, impossible living, i hate changes, life after hell, fear of people, group think, psychological issues, trauma, child abuse, desteni, equality, eqafe, #jounrneytolife