A Lady's Journey to Life: Family and Competition: The Pressure that Builds

Monday, November 30, 2015

Family and Competition: The Pressure that Builds - Day 487

What causes the child to rebel against there parents as I had within my childhood? I mostly translate it to the fact that I didn’t know how to really connect with them in the way that my inner being desired. There was also this disconnect in a way that was created through words or the resonance of words that drove me to have inner conflict and anger outflowed into my world because I couldn’t articulate what it is I was wanting from my parents and what it is that I was experiencing within me, I had no idea what it was, though this inner voice was there and it was powerful. This obviously created frustration on both ends of the spectrum, myself were I would be chastised and partitioned away based on my parents not really having the time nor the real patience to hear me and get to the essence of what I was looking for. With my parents, where they didn’t have the opportunity or the know how to really connect with me on a deeper level and understand from a point of view that was necessary, they couldn’t walk this based on survival. And this is not to blame my parents or blame any point within myself or my childhood, but a real self honest understanding of what creates such a rift between parent and child growing up and into adulthood.

One of the key factors was money, there was always pressure and stress in relation to money and also there was also a pressure and stress within myself to live to a certain standard. This was impulsed from many directions in society be it schoolmates, billboards, tv, magazines, neighbors, celebrities and what I had or didn’t have was always running in the back of my mind. Everybody wants to be seen as the best/cool and no one wants to be seen other then this, so there is also this stress going on to be accepted, and within this, the parents are the only way for the child to fulfill this requirement to gain acceptance in their childhood. We had enough though there was always this feeling within me that I wanted more, there was never enough, I was always feeling inadequate in some way or another, and my parents not able to satisfy this self anger of not having enough, this rift started to form based on the idea that I had created that there must be something wrong with me or my family because I can’t get what ever one else has.

This then stemmed into my family structure where I started comparing myself to my sisters and seeing that I am not this and I don’t have that skill, I need that to feel fulfilled, but I don’t know how to get that. So there was not only the pressure of the outer world to be accepted, I was finding there was also a pressure within the family, the place were you are suppose to be most safe and comfortable, much was communicated between everyone and it was a lot of mental and physical pressure.

More to come in later blogs.