Back on the Writing Train - Day 570

I haven't written a blog in some time though I enjoy writing, I will continue on writing out my mind process and the self-forgiveness with it so as to support myself and maybe support others in their mental health and so physical well being of their life.

The topic for today is about sadness, I have been sad recently and for me, in my life, I really should not be sad. I have everything I need, I have many opportunities, and lots of people who care about me and give me support. So I have a lot, though this sadness is coming from within me, seems deep, a deep point of sadness I have been experiencing, one I know as I open it up will be challenging though this is what I want to uncover, the shit that challenges me so I can face it once and for all and move on to live more self-direct and self-supportive through understanding and so living the change necessary. So for this sadness, I am seeing it is due to relationships, I am feeling lonely currently and this is due to a desire to have companionship and essentially a partner. This I am more seeing as a program that is coming up, a habitual desire that I have participated in for a lot of my life because when I am alone I need to take more of an effort to be with me, like there is this deep hole within me that I feel some sort of emptiness and within that my life feels dull or boring or more that I am not feeling fulfilled in who and what I am doing.

Though practically speaking I am doing a lot, mostly work these days, I am running a company with my cousin and dad who is soon to retire, and we are very busy. I am understaffed at the moment so I am having to pick up all the little tasks that are needing to get done and no one is there to do them. So I have a lot of work like task work to do every day, this is somewhat fulfilling, though this is more for survival and within this, it does not sit well with me as something that I would like to do and live as my creative pursuit in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I do understand that work of all kind is necessary as stuff has to get done and not everyone can do what they love to do, though I do see a better way and potential for humanity to exist in this world that is not needing to survive to exist. But in the meantime, this is what I am doing, so there is pressure on me to perform and be responsible for all these tasks I do on a daily basis as well as the extra stuff that comes up that needs to get done. So my job for the most part is fine, though within my purpose of why I am doing this job and my plans to support a higher good are always within me, so this pursuit is a point of self-fulfilling I can stand within as walking such a goal is not only supporting myself but lots of others as well. So this in the process and as I walk this and fulfill what I set out to do, I can see a satisfaction being lived out. Patience and flexibility are also needed in such ventures though pushing through challenges and staying disciplined I have found are hallmarks to building the fulfillment of self that I am seeing I am yearning for.

Another point is that I am desiring a partner to settle down with, though I am also seeing that I have a fear here due to not wanting to get into a relationship where the person will not work out or will not suit me well. I find myself to be a bit peculiar in my interests and pursuits though I do see that I will fit in with someone nicely if they do decide to come around. So it seems that this sadness as of late is coming from a desire to have a relationship yet fearing one due to not wanting to get into the wrong one or one that will not work out in the end. I also have this idea coming up that when I am in one and have that desire met it'll lose its lust and I will desire to be single again, and not want to deal with the inner workings and dealings that relationships with others bring.

So I will walk some forgiveness on these points and clear the path for a change I can live with and brings out the best, here it goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to have a specific outcome in my day and life where I know what I am doing, who I will be, and who I will meet and thus fulfill a desire to have a fulfilling conversation or interaction with another to where I feel more valuable or worthy because I did interact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a desire to interact and have friendly conversations with others in my world because I have created the idea and belief that if I am having friendly conversations with others it means I have value and have something to offer others because they decided to stop and talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to go into a point of reveling in the energy of being liked, having people to talk to, being seen by others, getting noticed and thus desire to have this and so if I don't have this intereaction believe I then am not these things, not good enough essentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i am not being noticed or talked to by others that I am then not as worthy as when I am being noticed and talked to by others, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on counting and holding the score of who talks to me and when.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the energetic desire of feeling good and happy when i am noticed and people talk to me and thus within my secret mind go into competition and comparison of others where I label and polarize myself and others based on the numbers, and create assumptions of why some are getting more and some aren't, which is not actually standing in physical reality here but lingering in the mind illusions of thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was younger create the decision to see myself as not as good as others based on the experience I got when I was humiliated in front of others and thus saw others kids not having to go through this experience, seeing myself as inferior and less than and from there desire and decided to figure out why I am this way and others are able to bypass such uncomfortable experiences such as these.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am based on a memory of experiences I went through as a child and thus hold onto the conclusions I made in that time instead of here changing who I am in relation to these memories and experiences within me and redefine who I am in relation to friendship, people on the street, family members, coworkers, and thus give myself a foundation for my stand to thus use as a point of creative movement.

I commit myself to redefine the word friendship for myself in relation to the relationships in my life and who I will be without comparison or competition, but me as a being meeting myself in another.

This for next blog, thanks for reading.

Support and educate yourself on the links shared:

www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

http://www.desteni.org
http://www.eqafe.com
http://www.earthhaven.org

Day 1 - Considering Others

Day 1

When I arrived at work tonight, I was 4 minutes late, and the girl who I was relieving said 'you need to come on time, I have to be somewhere', immediately my reaction went to blame her, and diminish her within my mind because she dare call me out as doing something 'bad' or 'wrong'. I blamed and condemned another for the simple fact that I did not want to face myself as someone who is late and caused another to call me out on it. This point of being called out is the point where I go into reaction, as this point of calling me out, brings up memories of being yelled at by adults as a kid, and I really feared being yelled at by adults because I didn't enjoy the loudness of their voices and me being caught doing something 'bad.

So when this event occurred of being called out by my co-worker and I see myself react, I realize that this is just my ego trying to protect itself to be the one who is right and the other is at fault, thoughts go through such as 'I don't deserve this scolding as I am just a few minutes late', but not considering the others world/responsibilities/schedules and thus separating my responsibility to the agreement of the job to be there at a certain time, which I require others to uphold and should always require myself to uphold as well.

Within this this is not taking responsibility for who I am within my job and the agreements set forth when going into a job to be in at a certain hour and leave at a certain hour, where others plan their events according to this agreed upon schedule, and obviously if one is late, it creates a chain reaction that effect others unnecessarily. Now within this being late, I realized I was going to be late, but still I went into ego here and decided I could be a few minutes late because 'it's just a few minutes, who cares?' Allowing and accepting myself to disregard the other being at the job and being inconsiderate to the other in whatever was going on in their world based how they set up their night according to the time's scheduled, and was late on purpose cause I didn't want to be there at all. This lax attitude, that it's 'no big deal' towards others I have allowed for a lot of my life and I've allowed it to direct me due to this superiority and ego that I am more then others due to my perception of what I do and who I am as a 'good' and 'easy-going' person.

Interesting dynamics that really go on within myself in terms of my secret mind where I accept and allow myself to disregard the other beings within my world due to the belief that I deserve a break and to be catered to because I believe myself to be good, thus seeing myself essentially more deserving then others and able to have privileges over others. This of course completely made up within my mind due to my desire to not want to work and not want to push myself to get my ass in gear and be on time for work. So using excuses and justifications such as I am just a few minutes late or I deserve to be late because I allow others to be late, is a complete abdication of the responsibility to the other and the respect of the other to say yes, I see you and realize that you are as important and deserving as I am, so thus I as you will equalize myself to what is here as work and respect the fact that the schedule here is in place and that that is what life is moving from.

Working with the physical, working with reality, and stopping my mind as delusions, justifications, ego grandeur to direct me in abusing the privilege of others kindness and not considering the other as I would want to be consider. I am not special nor more then any other being here, we are all equal, we all deserve the respect and consideration of how one would want for oneself, and thus all points of blame, irritation, and justification is in fact my own dishonesty's showing me where I am still allowing ego, and thus I stop, breath, self forgive, and direct myself to consider all here as myself and correct my living to stand equal and one with all life here as me.

Being Late-

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be late for work based on the thoughts that 'its cool if I am a few minutes late, it's just a few minutes, no big deal'.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to within this thought of 'it's cool if I am a few minutes late, no big deal' only seeing and considering my own self interest of not wanting to go to work and thus using excuses as 'it's no big deal' as an escape to give myself a tiny bit more timee to dunce around and avoid working while I understood and realized that their indeed is another being who is being effected and will create a consequence for them.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not take into consideration the other worker within my job who is depending on me to be on time due to the scheduled agreement we have to be in at certain time and thus create consequence and unnecessary aggravation for another when I was deliberately late and not giving equal consideration to the other as I realized they would be late for the next event if they had one planned.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my ego to direct me with an idea that because I am relaxed with others when they are late, I deserve to be late once and a while, although this is not reality as the other worker did not agree to this and this is only within the idea that I am somehow more important then the other being at work and thus deserve special privileges.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to thus go into ego within superiority and believe that I am more important then another because I am a 'good' person allowing others to not stress when their late so thus I should also get this consideration based on being helpful and getting a nice feeling about myself as a 'good person'.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the mind as emotions to direct me into belief of myself that based on my idea of myself as 'good' where based on this idea of me being 'good' within my mind, I deserve special privileges and thus justified my tardiness to the job when I had agreed in taking this job that I would be there at a specific time, which I deliberately missed based on laziness and escapism.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my idea of myself as 'good' to create the belief that I should have special privileges and thus within my back chat I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to deliberately spite the worker at work and be late on purpose as I wanted to be lazy and not go into work at all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be spiteful towards the worker based on me not wanting to live out my responsibilities and thus accept and allow myself to give in to resistance of being late cause I wanted to have a little bit more time off.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to not consider the other within and as the physical reality that is my world and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to live only in my own self interest and justify the abuse and abdication of my responsibility to another at work.

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My Self Correction:

When and as this point comes up of wanting to escape and be lazy not wanting to take care of my responsibilities, I stop breath, and speak 'i am here in the physical equal and one, I walk as life' and walk the correction of moving through any and all resistance that arise to abdicate my responsibilities and also consider all within my world and how my decisions will effect others. I walk and commit myself to always consider the others within my world and my responsibility to live as equals in whatever scenario comes up. I commit myself to live my agreements and walk the best I am able to within this physical reality and stop the ego within thoughts and self interest.


Blaming Co-worker


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame my co worker based on my reaction of fear and embarrassment for being called out when I showed up late for work.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to within the blame that I created towards her based on the fear I had of being yelled at immediately go into my secret mind and diminish my co-worker as a 'bitch' and 'horrible'.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting back chat of diminishment towards another based on me accepting and allowing my ego to want to be greater then her and better so within my mind I use my own spitefulness to get back at her and be the winner because I have determined that she is a bitch and thus I am not so I am more then her.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to be spiteful within my backchat towards my co worker based on the fear that came up due to me not liking to be yelled at as a kid and still holding onto this fear and dislike as an adult and thus based on this energy that I created and held onto as fear and dislike I go straight for revenge and thus diminish her for calling me out about being late.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use my mind as a form of attack on another as revenge and thus create an idea of myself in my mind that I am more when I am just diminishing myself as I am the one creating this abuse and unnecessary conflict within myself towards another or my world based on me not wanting to face the reality of that moment of me being late and not considering my co-workers equal to how I would want to be considered.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use abuse as back chat thoughts of she is a 'bitch' and 'horrible' so I can be more and look better within my mind to thus gain superiority over my co-worker as I felt diminished when called out on being late based on holding onto the memory of fear and dislike when I was yelled at as a kid.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the polarity playout within my mind of superior and inferior ideas based on me defining myself by my world and seeing it within these two polarities = good/bad, when I realize and see it was just a point of consideration by my co-worker to let me know that she expects me here on time and not late.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto a memory of me within fear of being yelled at by an adult based on me being shocked by the noise of the yell and not desiring to experience that way of being talked to again.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to hold onto the past as memories and blame my co-worker for this feeling as the memory has brought up as fear and dislike when she called me out to be on time.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to blame my co-worker for who I was in that moment as not wanting to face myself as being late and not taking responsibility and allowed thus I allowed fear and emotions to direct me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting fear and emotions to direct me in my reality as I see and realize what is here is me and thus I accept what is here as me, and walk the correction without taking myself/world/others personally as what is here is a gift for me to walk and self correct to thus walk as equal with all life as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to take my co-workers words towards me as a personal attack and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react in fear and anger and go into my ego to gain superiority back.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to use my ego as a point of gaining power as I realize this power is in the diminishment of others thus not who i am and not real as I realize and see all are equal here and all is life as myself, thus I see and understand real power is here within breath as I walk and equalize myself with this physical reality equal and one to all as I stop my ego and accept all that is here as me.

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My Self Correction:

When and as this point of ego arise where I go into my back chat and diminish another based on taking what is done/said/lived towards me personally, I stop, breath, and I realize that this is not a personal point towards me, I can direct myself in common sense and thus walk equality as all here. I am not defined nor determined by others so thus instead of reacting, I commit myself to use what is here as life as others and correct myself to stand one and equal with all as I see and realize the ego as mind is not real and only causes diminishment in myself as I go and abuse others in my back chat and thus eventually in the physical which is unacceptable and not necessary as I can stop myself and change.

I commit myself to change this point of blame and going into ego, to thus walk with others in understanding and seeing what it is that is actually being said and lived and thus change myself to align with oneness and equality in the best way I am able to for the best outcome I can walk for all life. I stop polarity playouts and stop my fears from directing me.




self forgiveness, walking to life, equal and one, equality, oneness, writing, journal, diary, life journey, garbrielle, equal money, desteni,