Day 13 - Restart - self discipline

I have been very unmotivated and feeling in a depressed state, I have fallen a lot these last few years really badly at times and it's been quite difficult to get back on my feet. The falls and the digging deep into regret and unknown circumstances created by not standing in what is best at the opportunities that are here that life give, when I miss those it's like getting back up from harden cement, painful, difficult, and makes one want to give up. Giving up seems quite cool as a solution in this state for a moment, like the mcdonalds of things, taste good in the moment, but after digestion and the body having to deal and face with the consequences, self feel it, the pain, hardship and the difficulty, so it's a matter of how much do one want to bear. For me, I am not wanting to bear any form of suffering or pain and definitely don't want to inflict it on others as well, though the understanding of falls does bear consequences and in this what requires action is in the physical, here as the breathe of life is gifting me the life tools of with self forgiveness, self corrective writing/sounding, and living the change. Making the forgiveness of self actionable and livable here in my life and so in this can then correct the outcomes to come and stop the consequences of harm/abuse and falling to be that which is best for all and best for self. 

This starts with self discipline, moving beyond limitations and self beliefs/ideas, I am going to start with daily blogging and in this living my self forgiveness as i blog/write and exist in my world. Self discipline the action of self that is required to do these actions and keep going, not giving up, especially in the times when it's difficult and one do want to give up/give in. No judgment but breathing and living here. 

Discipline definition - 

" is the self-control that is gained by requiring that rules or orders be obeyed, and the ability to keep working at something that is difficult.[1] Disciplinarians believe that such self-control is of the utmost importance and enforce a set of rules that aim to develop such behavior. Such enforcement is sometimes based on punishment, although there is a clear difference between the two. One way to convey such differences is through the root meaning of each word: discipline means “to teach”, while punishment means “to correct or cause pain”. While punishment might extinguish unwanted behavior in the moment, it is greatly effective long-term due to consequences being understood and societal retribution to wrongs committed , while discipline usually is the process of training self control.[2]" from wikpedia.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent within my daily actions of bettering myself and my environment based on becoming too much wrapped in my thoughts and self judgment and so lack the discipline of doing what i understand requires to be done to get myself moving and expanding beyond my limitations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind and think about the past and in this become unmotivated based on self judgment and in this lose my desire and perseverance to move and remain discipline to my principles and goals i set out for myself. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i don't have to be disciplined anymore due to my fall and that i have no hope to become life and stand in a way of honor of life. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i have no reason to be discipline due to a fall and in this believe i can just float.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts that i can float when i see, realize, and understand there is consequences within this and that it is much more advantageous to stand up and get back to self discipline and the principles of life that i stand as and for as what is best for all life. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe being self discipline is too hard instead of just doing it. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to move into a form of self harm where i believe i am not worth it or have value and so i don't need to be disciplined because it won't matter anyway.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept the self deprecating thoughts of i am not worth it and so no need to remain disciplined with myself in actions that support myself and life as a whole.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worthy and connect that to be lazy and giving up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am lazy and can give up, when i see, realize, and understand that this is not real and that life is always here to align with and stand as as this i understand is what is real and who i am for real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unworthy and so allow the emotions of giving up where i go into a tiredness in my body and numbness and in this believe i can't do it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energy that i can't do it instead of staying within and as the act of self discipline where i continue to move beyond my limitations and expand to what is here within life measure and what is possible.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed tiredness and heaviness come over me as a point of wanting to give up instead of breathing through these moments in the moment and continue to walk the steps of self change as self action through self discipline. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the past and my misstakes and int his continue to let go of the past and change myself here through self discipline and living action plans aligned with principles. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i can't do it instead of just doing it step by step.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think rather then acting in the moment. 

I commit myself to move into self discipline within my day to day actions where i see the thoughts of giving up or feeling unworthy and in this i use the living word self discipline to move through and beyond these thoughts and into physical action where real change of myself can happen and i can help myself and so help others. 

I commit myself to let go of the tiredness and heaviness emotions by breathing through the energy and doing what it is physical i am avoiding. 

I commit myself to use the living word discipline to stand and walk physical through the resistance to get the point step by step in motion as physical action.

I commit myself to make goals for myself to achieve and support my daily habits to be that of self discipline where i control my actions as outcomes to be best for me and so best for all.

I commit myself to do daily habits as my daily routine that practice discipline.

I commit myself to stop judging myself in the moment and breathe, and continue to live in the physical and become real by physically acting on my principles and commitments to make them real and best. 

I commit myself to let go of the thoughts as they come as my past and continue to move physical releasing the thoughts through breathe and self forgiveness as sound. 

www.desteni.org

www.equalmoney.org

www.creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com

Self Help course to start the journey to life:

lite.desteniiprocess.com

Best for all life until it's done.

Focused Living - Day 558

How to Practically Live a Word - Focus

My current definition and how I see this word Focus:

Focus for me as how I have been seeing it and living it in the past is I am seeing as an undesired force put upon me in things that I did not want to focus on, mainly i am seeing my mom making me focus on things i had no real interest in like church or playing with dolls, this when i was little and thus being forced to focus on these things based on her needs and not my own. Also I am seeing school where teachers would make us focus on our school work in classrooms where i couldn’t get up and move around, and so I was forced to focus on subjects and topics in boxed rooms closed off to the outside world where i couldn’t move about in freedom, which i highly resisted. This would more be the negative attachments to the word focus i have placed in me. 

On the positive side, I am seeing the word focus as a means to an end where i get something, like money or accolades for focusing in on something, doing it well, and then being reward with some sort of praise or gift. Focusing then was done to inflate my ego or my experience of myself as superior through gaining something externally to make me feel more important or better about myself. So needing something externally like money or praise from others as a reward for me to feel something about myself in a positive way, and if i was focused in what i did I realized I had a better chance of getting these things that made me feel good about myself and my life.

My Redefinition: 

Focus - how i am seeing living the word focus is an actual physical movement within myself in moments where i become distracted in thinking and/or in things I am doing. So to live focus would be to move toward the center of myself in my awareness into the center of my body. It’s a supportive word that realigns my self awareness back to my center point and i am noticing that this center point focus is right in the middle of my chest, just above my breast bone and below my neck. This is specific this spot as it feels in a way like a source of strength, this strength is here within me as me and living this word focus when i move my awareness into my physical presence of myself as this center point in my chest and then i live it into the task i am doing I find my ability to live what it fact I set myself out to do becomes much more streamlined and specific, and I have less strain to in fact get it done. A support word I have found also is the words slowing down, which supports with moving from the busyness of the distraction such as thinking or getting entertained by something outside myself, slowing back to down to my physical breath and thus moving into the word focus which I again support myself with to move into this center point in my chest. From here, I move into the task I set out for myself to live. 

Contexts in how i will live this word Focus:

Work - In work i plan to write out a list when i first sit down at my desk and start my day, living the word focus, i am going to use this word as the redefined living of it to move my focus back to my physical body, working with centering my self awareness in that center point in my chest when i see i start to lose focus in my day and become distracted with desires such as checking facebook or getting up and speaking to people around the office unnecessarily just to not face what it is I must get done. Using the word focus and the action of become centered inside myself focusing on breathing and my physical body, I can move myself out of the desire to distract myself and stick to the task list i had made out in the beginning of my work day to stay on task and move through the day with more effective efficency. 

Yoga - Yoga is an activity i have been wanting to integrate in my day to day, though I have resisted it due to the uncomfortability in my body i feel in doing it because it is slow and hurts me as i am not that flexible. Here i plan to use the word focus to again focus my awareness on the physical, bringing me out of the distractions of my mind and into my physical body movements as i work with yoga positions and breathing techniques. 

Desire to give up at task during my day - I notice often how easily i tend to go into giving up when things become uncomfortable in my body or I have to put a bit more effort or even sometimes a lot more effort into something that I am doing. For example, I was bringing laundry up a flight of stairs and it was extra full and thus extra heavy. I wanted to give up and just drop it to get a break. I remembered this word focus with the movement of slowing down meaning moving out of my head in thoughts and back into my chest center point as my physical presence awareness, and from here i moved my awareness into my whole body. I found this supported with balancing myself in my body where i was using a lot more muscles and focus on these muscles rather then going into my head and wasting my energy in thinking and thus eventually giving into the desire to stop. So here i am going to use this word focus to support me in these moments where i want to give up and instead of giving up, center myself in my physical body, move into my self awareness as this chest center point, and from here as my self awareness is present live the word focus as i focus in on the task at hand and live that to get it done. 

Thanks all for reading and will report later in the week of how this is going.