Day 211 - Exploring Self Acceptance - Being Cool - Part 1.2 - I’m Better then You

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my childhood in this idea of myself as a cool and tough kid based on holding onto to this desire of myself to be cool and have others see me cool and in these memories holding on to them and replaying because within them I am seen as cool within the group of friends I am with. I realize and see that holding onto these memories of me as a child playing sports and being good at it making me seem cool in my mind is something that is holding me into this idea that I have to be a certain way within this world to be accepted by others, someone who is cool to make myself feel good about myself.

I commit myself to when and as I go into this memory of thinking about me playing sports and that I was a cool kid among my friends because I could play sports well, I stop and breath, and do not accept myself to continue in this pattern of thoughts of seeing myself playing and doing well and getting a nice feeling because of this perception that this makes me cool by moving myself within the physical and breathing through the thoughts and feelings when they arise not participating in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling of elation when I think about these memories among my friends in the neighborhood where I was seen as cool and had respect from the others based on my skill, and thus got a high as I saw myself in my mind in these pictures as the coolest by being praised by the other kids and being a winner among them, feeling good about myself because I saw myself as more skilled and able to win. I realize and see that within this point of feeling good and elated based on these memories I am holding of being among my friends in the neighborhood and being seen as good and a winner, I thus defined myself by this feeling of feeling good when my friends praised me and seeing myself as better then others based on this feeling I get within myself that I am a winner and thus I am better then those who lose.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of feelings of goodness about myself based on looking at myself as more then another because being a winner in these memories I am holding of myself, I stop and breath, and do not accept myself to continue in this feeling as it’s not real and it’s causing self compromise and separation. I commit to breath through the desire to see myself as more then others by not participating in the thoughts and becoming focused on my breathing , my movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the skills i have within seeing myself as more or better then others and then generating a feeling of goodness within me because I am better then another at something. I realize and see that this is complete self interest based on the belief that I am not good enough or not as capable then others in things, and thus when i have to compensate when I am more skilled and so this in my mind will make me feel better. I realize and see that existing in this comparison of seeing myself less worthy and then going into comparison and separation in seeing myself as more then others when I appear to be more skilled is complete self interest and inferiority as am not seeing myself as equals to others and not considering all the points within the life that is being lived by the others, but only where I can shine as being seen as better then them.

I commit myself to when and as I go into a point of defining myself as more then another and getting a good feeling from this, I stop and breath, and do not accept myself to go through within the thoughts patterns of this competition as I realize this is separation and I am only doing it based on self interest and inferiority. I commit myself to walk and breath and accept myself as equals to others in the value of life and so push my living into the physical, focusing on what can be done to help all life be equal within our living and support solutions that will support all in this world to be the best we can be in whatever it is we enjoy and are passionate in doing.

More to Follow, thanks for reading.

Day 210 - Exploring Self Acceptance - Being Cool - Childhood Memories - Part 1.1

Here looking at this point of how I developed my external perception of who I wanted to be and what influences within my childhood helped mold and foster this way of seeing myself that in it's conception and accumulation was not real nor physical, but completely within thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. I will bring it back to childhood memories that I am holding onto where I was young and around others my age, my friends and neighborhood kids I played with often, I thought of myself as cool, and so within this idea of myself as being cool, I expected others to think this way of me as well.

At that time, I was very much a tomboy and into sports playing everyday, we were a group of neighborhood kids and we played outside from dusk til dawn almost everyday in the summers and as much as possible in the school year, all different types of activities, but our main love was athletics, soccer, football, street hockey, baseball, basketball, we really did it all, and within this point of athletics, I excelled. Most of the kids I played with were boys, and so I defined myself according to this male perspective, seeing females as less then the males based on myself having really no interest within what they were into, and thus saw what they did was weak and not fun. So with the males in my group that were my 'competitors' throughout my childhood, I developed this idea that I am a special kind of girl as I am strong and able to compete with these boys, which gave me confidence within myself and respect among the others in the group I was in as a kid. Using the strnegth I developed and saw I possessed within being able to compete with the all the boys I was friends with as a gauge for who I am, a strong female, and thus superior to the other female whom I saw as weak because they were not able to compete with me at that stage in my small group among my neighborhood friends. So this is interesting as it developed my understanding among the dynamic within society of males being 'stronger' and more 'powerful' then the females as I easily saw it within what I was participating in, and fully lived into this seeing myself more superior and dominant to females especially because I was more like the boys, I was strong, I was a strong competitor.

Within this time, I did not have a real judgment towards myself within my physical look, because within myself I was thinking that I am very cool as I was respected and seen within all my friends as a girl who you couldn't mess with because I could compete with all the top boys in the area, and I often could beat them. I saw this point of winning as a defining point of who I was, I was able to win and thus was strong, and thus within my mind those who played sports were better and cooler people then those who didn't because sports was the best thing one could do and be good at because this is what I was the best at and the most good at, so it was a point of self interest to survive among my peers and have the best chance to be popular, get attention, and gain power among them. I had to find something I could compete with them to show I am worthy, I am strong, and this I got within my excelling in athletics for the moment.

This position I held within my group of friends and neighbors, created a point of ego within me, a point were I saw myself better then others and superior because I had gained this respect and thus had all the attention on me based on the skills I possessed that was not usual for girls, especially with the girls in my neighborhood. Allot of the other girls around my neighborhood were just not into sports like I was, but this I didn't consider because of the fact that I thought that sports was the 'top' point in this world to be good at and within being good, you were cool. Being girly and doing girly things like play with dolls and dress up was boring and seen by myself as weak, like there was no point of proving yourself within it and showing who you are, and so these activities with no competition, I saw as useless.

This point of being cool is something I desired, I saw that being cool is something that makes you get these points I desired within my group of friends, power, respect, leadership, and attention, and I saw how this played out within my older sisters, how they developed themselves and molded themselves within their social circles to be 'cool', what clothes they wore, what music they listened to, what kind of people they hung out with, what they did, what words they used, and so I used my sisters, most were older, as a point of reference for myself to know what is cool and what is not cool within the life I was living. So I was in a sense like a sponge soaking up my surroundings around me, specifying and defining myself on my definition of what cool was based on what I was seeing and interpreting in my everyday life.

And thus being a dork or someone who was not skilled or popular was the complete opposite of anything I wanted to be associated with, it's like being a complete 'loser' within everything I had ever known and grown up with, so it's like a loss in life, and not being able to get my 'wants' met within the desire I had within me to live out and fulfill which were many. And so seeing myself as a complete inferior being to those that were the 'cool' ones was absolutely unacceptable and out of the question, as I know compared myself to my sisters and had to hold my position not only within my social group as friends, but in my family unit as being part of a 'cool' 'well known' family in my town. I had the reputation to live up to now in my mind within my family, as I saw us as cool, so I had created myself into a person that had to become this, in my mind this is who I am, where I come from, everyone around me is 'cool' and so I must and have to be this as well. I lived for this and I expected it at a very young age to be seen as someone who is cool and liked. Obviously life is not what one expects, and so I will write more on this too come of the next stage in entering the years leading up to and going into being a teenager.


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