Art By: Andrew Gable
Find his Blog here: https://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com
I am sure we all can relate to this point of only seeing the worst in ourselves in moments of our life, they may be fleeting or they may be the majority of how one see what is here. I have been looking at this point as of late due to understanding why I in fact do this? What causes such an experience to only see what is bad, horrible, fearful, and so the worst that could happen or is here?
There is a few dimensions that came up for me initially and those were the habitual and automated way I have created myself to see life in fear and realizing this has been patterned and repeated over and over in my life thus far, thirty plus years of viewing life like this. The second is being bombarded as a child to be afraid, the one memory that is coming up for me the strongest is my mom telling me that if anyone comes up to me on the street or when we are out and try to take me, to run and scream and look for a policeman! This obviously made me see that the world is a scary and dark place, even if i didn't realize it so much at the time, it imprinted into me on deep levels, being scared of the world i live in, people are bad, and humans can not be trusted.
This leading to the experience that i am to be afraid, we have unfortunately created such a world were life is not guaranteed for many and that we can not at this time fully trust each other, so there is some logic in what my mom did, and i do understand she was doing what she thought was right. Though, this is not the only way to live life and through my example, who I am in relation to life here, and how i live I can reverse that paradigm and instead see the best in life nad build the trust that is necessary to ensure life is trustworthy and humans are educated on how and why to live in this way as well.
Self forgiveness on this childhood memory:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the sound and intensity of my mom's facial expressions in the moment of her telling me to be careful and scream and run if anyone trys to take me out in public.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take on the idea from that moment on that the world and people are dangerous and people will harm me if i am not aware and careful of my surroundings.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are bad and that they will do the worst of what can be done onto others and this includes myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all people in the world are not to be trusted and could and will do harm onto me if i am not careful and aware of what the people i interact with are like.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take inventory and judgments of other people as indicators if they were trustworthy or not based on if they were friendly, the way they looked, the way they acted, and judge if i would like them or not and fear them, if these boxes were checked or not.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become distrustful of people around me in those moments of imagining a person taking me to harm me as my mom told me how to get away.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into petrification in that moment and see people as harmful instead of seeing people within the moment and allow the relationship to develop through time to get to know the person rather than just making quick sight judgments and defining someone to the worst of life in my mind and write them off as untrustworthy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see the worst in life only where i see people as threats and judge people as unapproachable, making myself isolated and justifying this as this is how life is supposed to because people are fuck ups and i don't want to be around them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only see the bad in people and thus only see the bad within myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only see the judgments of not good enough, not making the mark, not being friendly enough, not being cool enough unto myself as i do in my quick sight judgments of others based on fear and distrust instead of seeing the best in others and standing as this as myself until it is proven otherwise and the being needs to walk a process without me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mom for imprinting this fear of people onto me based on her way of showing help to me as a child with potentially getting kidnapped instead of seeing that she was doing her best and she also was imprinted with this fear and distrust of people.
I see, realize, and understand that the relationship i would like to create with others and my world is one were the best is the starting point of who i am in my interactions and within myself, and i see that common sense must be applied in case to case basis if it is realistically something to consider based on what is transpiring in physical reality.
I commit myself to live the word best where i stand within the moment as best possible to see what is best within myself or another when the moment comes to fear and go into distrust.
I commit myself to get to know the being and my self by opening communication and find out what is best about the moment or being and see what comes through.
I commit myself to use common sense and the ability of myself to create the best of what is here through perseverance and living it as myself.
I commit myself to be my best self in each moment that is here so i can stand and recognize it within others, so what is best is created in this life instead of the worst of self.
Thanks for reading.
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